“Why is loneliness so toxic?” It’s the question posed in a 2018 headline from an article by Wendy Leung in the Health section of The Globe & Mail, Canada’s national newspaper. Loneliness, according to Leung, in the context of cancer or any debilitating illness, is common. She describes a 2107 research study conducted by a team at Rice University, which studied loneliness among ill people. The findings suggested that “loneliness puts people at risk for premature mortality and all kinds of other physical illnesses.” Why? It’s a source of stress, but perhaps even more importantly, “a sense of being cared for and loved is a crucial factor in our well being.”
Loneliness often accompanies cancer diagnosis and treatment. Lisa Masters, living with metastatic breast cancer, offered a poignant description of the kind of loneliness she experienced in a 2014 Huffington Post article:
I am by nature an optimist. I am strong. I usually keep the sadness of myself to myself. I tell you that I’m not terminal and that I believe a cure will be found in time. I so want that to be true. I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.
Today I write about a subject that I don’t often speak of, nor even give into its darkness very often. Today I am lonely. I wonder how many of you who also have Stage IV cancer are lonely. I can’t be alone. I know I have my friends and my family who love me. They would do anything I needed them to do. All I need to do is ask. But, they really do not understand how alone someone with cancer can often be…
Today… it’s dark, it’s raining and I feel the loneliness of my cancer.
So why is loneliness so toxic? According to Ruth Livingston, PhD, founder and direction of Living with Medical Conditions, writing in a 2011 Psychology Today article, “Curing the Loneliness of Illness:”
Being lonely can itself be dangerous to one’s health. Loneliness can double a person’s chances of catching a cold and, worse, lonely people are four times more likely to have a heart attack and, once they do, four times more likely to die from it…Further,… loneliness has an effect on the immune system: …it reduces antibody production and antiviral responses, protective against health risks. Loneliness, then —all alone — is a hazard.
Summarizing the analysis of 70 studies on loneliness conducted at Brigham Young University, Dr. Veronique Desaulniers reported that feelings of loneliness can increase an individual’s chance of dying by 26%. Why? Loneliness creates is stressful, and overtime, may lead to long-term stress, the “fight or flight” reactions that can have negative impact on our immune system functioning.
MacMillan Cancer Support, based in the UK, estimated loneliness put cancer patients’ recovery at risk, finding that cancer patients who are lonely are three times more likely to struggle with treatment plans than those who aren’t lonely, skipping treatment appointments, not taking medications as prescribed, refusing certain types of treatment or skipping it altogether. Commenting on the research, Ciaran Devane, CEO at MacMillan Cancer Support said, “We already know loneliness may be as harmful as smoking, but this research shows…it is particularly toxic to cancer patients.” https://www.macmillan.org.uk/aboutus/news/latest_news/lonelycancerpatientsthreetimesmorelikelytostrugglewithtreatment.aspx
Themes of loneliness often make their way into the writing shared by tcancer patients who attend my expressive writing workshops. These are similar to those described by the National Cancer Institute:
- Friends may have a hard time dealing with your diagnosis and not call or visit as they once did.
- You feel sick post-treatments and aren’t able to participate in activities or social events as you once did.
- It’s common to feel as if those around you—friends and loved ones—don’t understand what you are going through.
- And even when treatment is over, you may suffer from loneliness, missing the support and understanding you received from your medical team and feeling vulnerable as your “safety net” of regular appointments is taken away from you.
Feelings of social inclusion and support, however, are an important factor in disease resistance. Dr. Lisa Jaremka, a member of the Rice University research team, discussed the wealth of research showing that a sense of being cared for and loved is crucial to well-being. “The need to belong is a fundamental part of being human. It’s like the air we breathe. We need oxygen and we need healthy, thriving relationships equally as much.”
So what can you do to combat or overcome loneliness? Although it’s a feeling we all may have at different points in our lives, it can be particularly prevalent during during cancer treatment and recovery, but let’s face it, it’s also unique to each person, and one works to alleviate loneliness in one person may be ineffective with another. Overcoming loneliness requires many different approaches to discovering the emotional support we need to help contend with loneliness and its negative health effects. When you’re feeling lonely, it can sometimes seem as if it’s just too much effort to reach out to others, so what are your options?
Thanks to The Globe & Mail article, I learned about Marissa Korda’s unique online community, “The Loneliness Project,” initiated in the fall of 2017. Korda, a Toronto graphic designer, invited people to share their stories and experiences of loneliness on her site. It has inspired more than a few stories and grown into something much larger than she originally anticipated. You can read more about Korda’s site and her inspiration for it here. Writing, together with sharing their stories with one another, as participants in my writing groups will attest, is one antidote for loneliness. An online community like Korda’s may be one way to to share your experience while sticking your toe in the water of reaching out and finding those important social connections that help you combat loneliness.
City of Hope, a leading research and treatment center for cancer, diabetes and other life-threatening diseases in Southern California, offers seven practical suggestions for helping to overcome the loneliness of cancer:
- Ask for practical help, such as transportation, financial support or child care by telling your doctor, nurse or other support staff
- Reach out to your loved ones and friends. Be honest about your feelings but be understanding of their schedules and limitations.
- Find a support group. Whether a therapeutic support group or an expressive writing group, online or in person, it is an opportunity to share your experiences, hear those of other cancer patients, and learn from them too.
- Talk to a therapist or your pastor or rabbi. Open up about your feelings in a safe and confidential place with a trained professional.
- Join a spiritual or religious group to help relieve the loneliness of your cancer journey.
- Find activities you can enjoy, staying busy as your energy and time allows. Whether a book club, yoga, meditation, expressive arts, taking an online class, or just having fun with a friend.
Remember, having social connections, particularly during the journey of cancer, is important to our health and well-being. It’s important to have contact with friends, family and others to help diminish loneliness. Start small: even simple activities like taking a walk or sitting in the sunlight in a garden be a start to helping you combat loneliness. Take it a step at a time, but gradually, re-engage with the things and people that normally, help you feel better. Reach out; reconnect with life and people. It’s good for your health and a powerful way to overcome the debilitating effects of loneliness. I remember how, during a very difficult period in my life, I turned to music, listening well into the late night after my daughters were in bed. I had a favorite song and repeatedly listened to (and sang along with) Bette Midler’s from her 1972 album, The Divine Miss M.:
...And I am all alone
There is no one here beside me
And my problems have all gone
There is no one to deride me
But you got to have friends
The feeling’s oh so strong
You got to have friends
To make that day last long…
I doubt Midler ever realized how much positive impact that one song had on my spirits–and my resolve to reach out to friends during a time I often felt like simply going to bed and covering my head with a pillow. My friends helped me get through a tough time. I’ve never forgotten how important to my healing they were.
Reach out; reconnect with life and people. It’s good for your health and a powerful way to overcome the debilitating effects of loneliness.
Writing Suggestions:
- What is your experience of loneliness? How did it feel? What helped you overcome it? What it was like to be lonely? Write about it.
- What images or metaphors best capture your experience or feelings of loneliness. Expand on them and create a poem.
- Did you experience loneliness even after treatment had ended? Describe what it was like.
- What has helped you diminish the feelings of loneliness during cancer or another serious illness?
- How did friends and loved one help you combat loneliness?
- What advice do you have for the newly diagnosed cancer patient or the cancer survivor completing treatment?