We all need friends. Without them, our lives can seem empty and lonely, and there’s plenty of research that suggests that isolation and loneliness are often harbingers of emotional or physical illness. The bottom line? We need our friends, and when we’re in the throes of life’s struggle and hardships or a life-threatening illness like cancer, we need our friends even more. As Stacie Chevrier, writing for Cure Today stated, “What keeps us from drowning in the sea of change are the people in our lives who come to the rescue: our friends and family.”
…you got to have friends
The feeling’s oh, so strong
You got to have friends
To make that day last long…
(From: “Friends,” Bette Midler, The Divine Miss M, 1972, lyrics by Mark Klingman and Buzzy Linhart)
Bette Midler’s recording of “Friends,” was a song I listened to night after night in the wake of my first husband’s sudden death many years ago. It reminded me that despite everything, I was blessed with good friends. At the time, I was living in Nova Scotia, a young wife and mother, far from my California family and friends he and I shared in university, but I wasn’t without friends. My Nova Scotia friends were invaluable in helping me weather the shock, grief and loneliness, always there whenever I needed support or a helping hand, the same friends who celebrated with me as I regained my footing and created a new life for myself.
Several of those long ago friends were still present as my husband and I learned, quite unexpectedly, he had kidney cancer and had to have one kidney removed. They, other Toronto friends and ones from the West and East coasts, California and elsewhere, were with us, in person, by telephone and email, sending their healing thoughts and prayers, driving us to the hospital at five a.m. on the morning of the surgery, sitting with me in the waiting room, and dropping by with homemade lasagna, a turkey dinner, and soups once my husband came home from the hospital.
This time too, we had family nearby: our eldest daughter, her spouse and child. My younger daughter and her family live in Japan, but she kept in close touch, sending her trademark humorous messages and words of her children that made us smile. Our Toronto family members were invaluable: accompanying my husband to his pre-surgery appointment when I couldn’t, due to my own medical appointments. And, on the afternoon he was discharged–a full day earlier than anticipated and taking me by surprise (I was presenting that same day to a group of patients and families affected by SADS, Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndromes)–my daughter and granddaughter drove him home from the hospital arriving only minutes after I did.
The gifts of friendship didn’t stop there. I heard from several former members of my cancer and creative writing groups, messages of compassion, understanding and care, which touched me deeply. Even a stranger, a man who follows this blog, shared a poem he’d written about “waiting,” after I posted my reflections on hospital waiting rooms two weeks ago. It was difficult to read these notes as my eyes filled with tears as I read the expressions of concern and care from others who are well acquainted with the cancer journey. Even my husband, not usually one to share his feelings, posted a thank-you on Facebook, writing, Thanks to everyone who sent us messages of support and love. I have never previously experienced this kind of event that had me feeling so devastated and afraid. Your support has meant the world to Sharon and to me.
In short, we experienced what the research has long confirmed Friends matter in all kinds of ways. They are important in helping us fight illness or depression. They help us recover from illness, trauma and loss. And in old age, it’s having friends that helps slowdown the aging process and prolong life. “Good friends are good for your health,” the Mayo Clinic reports. They celebrate the good times and provide support in the tough times. They keep us from being lonely, and we, as friends, return the gift of companionship.
Remember the song “You’ve got a friend,” written and recorded by Carole King in 1971? James Taylor’s recording of it the same year was number 1 on Billboard’s “Hot 100.” Since then, it’s been sung and recorded by dozens of vocalists, a testimony to the importance of the enduring, and true friendships in our lives.
[Chorus:]
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I’ll come runnin’, runnin, yeah, yeah,
to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I’ll be there, yes I will
Now ain’t it good to know
that you’ve got a friend…
It’s been good for me and good for my husband to experience the friendship of new friends and old, acquaintances, and even strangers, during a time dominated by fear, worry and questions that we dared not voice to one another. Happily, my husband is recovering well, and we are grateful to know that there is no evidence the cancer has yet spread to other organs. Once we have his pathology report in a few days, a course of treatment will be determined. Whatever is needed, we will take in stride, because that’s what we all have to do–deal with what is in the most positive way. Nevertheless, it’s easier to be stronger, more hopeful and optimistic because of the love, compassion and concern of our friends. While it’s true that some friends don’t come through during tough times, something my writing group members have shared and something we experienced too, the disappointment is all but erased as new friends and acquaintances show up with different acts of kindness, reaching out to us across the miles with a call, a note, an email, or offering a ride, meals, a cup of coffee, and laughter–and that has meant so much to both of us.
Friends. Friendships. Gratitude…for our friends: their simple gestures of caring and concern have been the most powerful medicine anyone could ask for.
…Now ain’t it good to know/that you’ve got a friend…
Writing Suggestions:
- Write about friendship. The ones that endure; the others that don’t.
- Write about the acts of kindness you’ve experienced during your cancer experience or other tough times.
- “Before you know kindness,” Naomi Shihab Nye wrote, “you must lose things…” Begin with her line and let it take you into your own story.
- Write about an enduring friend, a friendship that has lasted many years. How did it begin? What have you shared together in your friendship? Explore why this friendship lasts and others don’t.