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Archive for the ‘writing to heal’ Category

If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I’d opened it a thousand times
to see if what I’d written here was right,
it’s all because I looked too long for you
to put in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm from me.

“Pocket Poem,” By Ted Kooser; In:  Valentines: poems, 2008)

This past week, I addressed three brightly colored envelopes, red and pink, to the grandchildren who occupy such a big space in my heart.  I’ve been sending them valentines every February since they were first born, and for good measure, adding cards for their mothers, my daughters to the list.  One more card is hidden in my desk, which I’ll place on my husband’s desk early Thursday morning, a continuing tradition that, despite the many years that we’ve been together, remains intact.

Valentines, however entwined with rampant commercialism that accompanies all  holidays, began as a simple expression of love and gratitude, the first attributed to the Charles, Duke of Orleans, imprisoned in 1415 in the Tower of London after the Battle of Agincourt.  As the story goes, he passed his time writing romantic verses for his wife, who was still living in France.  Today, nearly sixty of the Duke’s poems remain and are considered as the first modern-day valentines.  Yet nearly three hundred years passed by before valentines became popular, their verses created by valentine writers in England in booklets that could be copied on decorative paper.  By the early 1800’s, valentines were constructed from simple black and white illustrations, painted and assembled in factories.  By the mid 1800’s, valentines were adorned with lace and ribbons, included affectionate messages and illustrations of turtle-doves, lovers’ knots in gold or silver, cupids and bleeding hearts.  Even though the valentines on display racks in card shops and drug stores now range from the flowery to the comical, I was surprised to learn that more cards are exchanged on Valentine’s Day than other time of the year except, perhaps, Christmas.

Like many of you, I first experienced the exchange of Valentine’s cards in kindergarten.  My teacher decorated a large hat box with red and white paper hearts, lace and ribbons. This, she explained was our valentine card mailbox, and each student was instructed to bring one valentine for each classmate, to be placed in the “mailbox” and exchanged at our Valentine’s Day party.  The excitement we all felt was palpable, and early on the morning of February 14, I awakened  and slipped out of bed quietly while my parents still slept.  I tiptoed into the living room of our upstairs apartment where a package of valentines lay on a card table, waiting to be addressed.

I was too excited to wait for my mother and went to work, painstakingly printing the one name I knew how to spell in dark blue ink.  By the time my mother walked into the room,  I’d addressed over two-thirds of the packet of 32 and proudly showed her my handiwork.  I didn’t expect her reaction, one of shock and “Oh, no, Sharon…what have you done?”  I’d addressed all the cards to my very best friend, another girl with the same name as mine, carefully printing, “To Sharon H., From Sharon B.” just as we were distinguished in our classroom.  My mother managed to salvage the remaining third for other children in the class, but the memory of that morning lingers.  As my teacher pulled one card after another from the decorated box and called out each recipient’s name, one classmate received many more valentines than anyone else.  “Why, here’s another card for Sharon H.,” she said, casting a knowing smile in my direction.  “I wonder who it’s from?”

Ted Kooser, former poet laureate of the U.S., began a Valentine’s tradition in 1986 that lasted nearly twenty years.  According to NPR, each February, many women around the country and found a postcard in their mailbox bearing a red heart with a poem on it-a valentine from Kooser.  He’d been inspired by a friend  who sent handmade valentines out each year, and in 1986, he sent his first Valentine, a “pocket poem,” to approximately 50 women he knew or had met at his poetry readings.

Over the years, whenever he made a public appearance, and with the blessing of his wife, Kooser invited women to add their names and addresses to his mailing list.  The list quickly grew from 50 in 1986 to 2700 by 2007, and his wife prompted him to “rein it in,” since by then he was spending nearly $1,000 in postage and printing. The enduring result was a collection of the poems he’d sent to the women on his mailing list, simply titled Valentines: poems (U. of Nebraska, 2008).  Valentine’s Day, he reminded his NPR audience in a 2008 All Things Considered broadcast, is a great holiday for a poet or anyone.  “It’s not tied up with anything other than expressions of sentiment,” he said.  Kooser remarked that his wife was very patient with the project, since he always wrote “special valentines” for her.

If  a loved one or friend is going through cancer treatment, showing your support in different ways can be like giving a valentine to them–ways that matter during the roller coaster ride of cancer diagnosis and treatment.  A dinner out or a gift of chocolates are unlikely to appeal to someone going through treatment, but there are, as MD and Oncologist/Hematologist  Cynthia Chua advises, “some wonderful things you can do for your Valentine… sometimes just ‘being there’ is a great gift. Just spend the day with your Valentine and show them how much you care.” She and writer Jennifer Mia offer some suggestions for celebrating Valentine’s Day together with someone who has cancer:

  1. Write a love note or make a card.
  2. Serve them breakfast in bed
  3. Pick up a stuffed animal for them to take to the next chemotherapy session.
  4. Rent a movie to watch together.
  5. Forgot to buy a card to send? Then send an e-card  or make time for a telephone call.
  6. Give the gift of journaling–a notebook of blank pages to write in.
  7. Offer a soft, cozy blanket for time in chemotherapy or a cold hospital room.

But let’s be clear:  You don’t need a Valentine’s Day to express that you care for someone.  You can do this at any time by sending a card, note, email or simply giving him or her a call to show you are thinking about them.  What matters is that you take the time to do it.  You might be surprised at how much it means to someone simply to know that someone cares or is grateful for him or her.  A few weeks ago, I gave my cardiologist a note of gratitude, written in the form of a somewhat humorous poem,  and what I discovered, in doing so, was how very much she appreciated it.

What matters in this world of busy-ness, stress, economic downturns, political drama or the instant and abbreviated communication we’ve succumbed to on the internet, is simply taking the time to express appreciation, concern or gratitude for the people you care about.  It’s a great gift.  You don’t have to wait for February 14th or any other specified holiday.  The simple act of pausing to remember those we care about and those who have cared for us in times of struggle, hardship or illness, reminds us of what matters most in our lives:  people, friendship, love.

“A Perfect Heart”

To make a perfect heart you take a sheet

of red construction paper…fold it once,

and crease it really heard, so it feels

as if your thumb might light up a match

 

then choose your scissors from the box.  I like

those safety scissors with the sticky blades

and the rubber grips that pinch a little skin

as you snip along.  They make you careful,

just as you should be, cutting out a heart

 

for someone you love.  Don’t worry that your curve

won’t make a valentine; it will.  Rely

on chewing on your lip and symmetry

to guide your hand along with special art.

And there it is at last:  a heart, a heart!

(By Ted Kooser, in:  Valentines: poems, 2008)

Writing Suggestions

  • Try writing a valentine this week, a poem, a postcard, even a letter—to someone you appreciate.
  • Why not write yourself a valentine,  saving it for a time when you might need a little self-care.
  • Perhaps you have your own memory of a long-ago Valentine’s Day.  Write it.
  • If writing a card or poem is not something you find easy to do, then pick up your phone and make a call to someone you care about.   Send an email or a Facebook message.  Wish them a happy Valentine’s Day, and let them know you are thinking about them.

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“Why is loneliness so toxic?”  It’s the question posed in a 2018 headline from  an article by Wendy Leung in the Health section of The Globe & Mail, Canada’s national newspaper.  Loneliness, according to Leung, in the context of cancer or any debilitating illness, is common. She describes a 2107 research study conducted  by a team at Rice University, which studied loneliness among ill people.  The findings suggested that “loneliness puts people at risk for premature mortality and all kinds of other physical illnesses.”  Why?  It’s a source of stress, but perhaps even more importantly, “a sense of being cared for and loved is a crucial factor in our well being.”

Loneliness often accompanies  cancer diagnosis and treatment.  Lisa Masters, living with metastatic breast cancer, offered a poignant description of the kind of loneliness she experienced in a 2014 Huffington Post article:

I am by nature an optimist. I am strong. I usually keep the sadness of myself to myself. I tell you that I’m not terminal and that I believe a cure will be found in time. I so want that to be true. I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.

Today I write about a subject that I don’t often speak of, nor even give into its darkness very often.  Today I am lonely.  I wonder how many of you who also have Stage IV cancer are lonely.  I can’t be alone. I know I have my friends and my family who love me. They would do anything I needed them to do. All I need to do is ask. But, they really do not understand how alone someone with cancer can often be…

Today… it’s dark, it’s raining and I feel the loneliness of my cancer.  

So why is loneliness so toxic?  According to Ruth Livingston, PhD, founder and direction of Living with Medical Conditions, writing in a 2011 Psychology Today article, “Curing the Loneliness of Illness:

Being lonely can itself be dangerous to one’s health. Loneliness can double a person’s chances of catching a cold and, worse, lonely people are four times more likely to have a heart attack and, once they do, four times more likely to die from it…Further,… loneliness has an effect on the immune system: …it reduces antibody production and antiviral responses, protective against health risks. Loneliness, then —all alone — is a hazard. 

Summarizing the analysis of 70 studies on loneliness conducted at Brigham Young University,  Dr. Veronique Desaulniers reported that feelings of loneliness can increase an individual’s chance of dying by 26%.  Why?  Loneliness creates is stressful, and overtime, may lead to long-term stress, the “fight or flight” reactions that can have negative impact on our immune system functioning.

 

MacMillan Cancer Support, based in the UK, estimated loneliness put cancer patients’ recovery at risk, finding that cancer patients who are lonely are three times more likely to struggle with treatment plans than those who aren’t lonely,  skipping treatment appointments, not taking medications as prescribed, refusing certain types of treatment or skipping it altogether.   Commenting on the research, Ciaran Devane, CEO at MacMillan Cancer Support said, “We already know loneliness may be as harmful as smoking, but this research shows…it is particularly toxic to cancer patients.” https://www.macmillan.org.uk/aboutus/news/latest_news/lonelycancerpatientsthreetimesmorelikelytostrugglewithtreatment.aspx

Themes of loneliness often make their way into the writing shared by tcancer patients who attend my expressive writing workshops.  These are similar to those described by the National Cancer Institute:

  • Friends may have a hard time dealing with your diagnosis and not call or visit as they once did.
  • You feel sick post-treatments and aren’t able to participate in activities or social events as you once did.
  • It’s common to feel as if those around you—friends and loved ones—don’t understand what you are going through.
  • And even when treatment is over, you may suffer from loneliness, missing the support and understanding you received from your medical team and feeling vulnerable as your “safety net” of regular appointments is taken away from you.

Feelings of social inclusion and support, however, are an important factor in disease resistance.  Dr. Lisa Jaremka, a member of the Rice University research team, discussed the wealth of research showing that a sense of being cared for and loved is crucial to  well-being.  “The need to belong is a fundamental part of being human.  It’s like the air we breathe.  We need oxygen and we need healthy, thriving relationships equally as much.”

So what can you do to combat or overcome loneliness?  Although it’s a feeling we all may have at different points in our lives, it can be particularly prevalent during during cancer treatment and recovery, but let’s face it, it’s also unique to each person, and one works to alleviate loneliness in one person may be ineffective with another.  Overcoming loneliness requires many different approaches to discovering the emotional support we need to help contend with loneliness and its negative health effects.  When you’re feeling lonely, it can sometimes seem as if it’s just too much effort to reach out to others, so what are your options?

Thanks to The Globe & Mail article, I learned about Marissa Korda’s unique online community, “The Loneliness Project,”  initiated in the fall of 2017.  Korda, a Toronto graphic designer, invited people to share their stories and experiences of loneliness on her site.  It has inspired more than a few stories and grown into something much larger than she originally anticipated.  You can read more about Korda’s site and her inspiration for it here.  Writing, together with sharing their stories with one another, as participants in my writing groups will attest, is one antidote for loneliness.  An online community like Korda’s may be one way to to share your experience while sticking your toe in the water of reaching out and finding those important social connections that help you combat loneliness.

City of Hope, a leading research and treatment center for cancer, diabetes and other life-threatening diseases in Southern California, offers seven practical suggestions for helping to overcome the loneliness of cancer:

  • Ask for practical help, such as transportation, financial support or child care by telling your doctor, nurse or other support staff
  • Reach out to your loved ones and friends. Be honest about your feelings but be understanding of their schedules and limitations.
  • Find a support group. Whether a therapeutic support group or an expressive writing group, online or in person, it is an opportunity to share your experiences, hear those of other cancer patients, and learn from them too.
  • Talk to a therapist or your pastor or rabbi. Open up about your feelings in a safe and confidential place with a trained professional.
  • Join a spiritual or religious group to help relieve the loneliness of your cancer journey.
  • Find activities you can enjoy, staying busy as your energy and time allows. Whether a book club, yoga, meditation, expressive arts, taking an online class, or just having fun with a friend.

Remember, having social connections, particularly during the journey of cancer, is important to our health and well-being.  It’s important to have contact with friends, family and others to help diminish loneliness.   Start small:  even simple activities like taking a walk or sitting in the sunlight in a garden be a start to helping you combat loneliness.  Take it a step at a time, but gradually,  re-engage with the things and people that normally, help you feel better.  Reach out; reconnect with life and people.  It’s good for your health and a powerful way to overcome the debilitating effects of loneliness.  I remember how, during a very difficult period in my life, I turned to music, listening well into the late night after my daughters were in bed.  I had a favorite song and repeatedly listened to (and sang along with) Bette Midler’s “Friends” from her 1972 album, The Divine Miss M.:

...And I am all alone
There is no one here beside me
And my problems have all gone
There is no one to deride me

But you got to have friends
The feeling’s oh so strong
You got to have friends
To make that day last long…

I doubt Midler ever realized how much positive impact that one song had on my spirits–and my resolve to reach out to friends during a time I often felt like simply going to bed and covering my head with a pillow.  My friends helped me get through a tough time.  I’ve never forgotten how important to my healing they were.

Reach out; reconnect with life and people.  It’s good for your health and a powerful way to overcome the debilitating effects of loneliness.

Writing Suggestions:

  • What is your experience of loneliness? How did it feel?  What helped you overcome it?  What it was like to be lonely?  Write about it.
  • What images or metaphors best capture your experience or feelings of loneliness. Expand on them and create a poem.
  • Did you experience loneliness even after treatment had ended? Describe what it was like.
  • What has helped you diminish the feelings of loneliness during cancer or another serious illness?
  • How did friends and loved one help you combat loneliness?
  • What advice do you have for the newly diagnosed cancer patient or the cancer survivor completing treatment?

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